The rain became my company as I raked through my tangled thoughts. The rhythmic sound of it against the roof eased up my stressed self enough to let me put thought on matters that need it the most. The rain has become my friend.

The first thing that I thought about was you, her, and them. I’ve been lingering, but never really staying at the thought for too long. I was not ready to accept the situation that we are in. Irreparable damage has already been done. We cannot be as we used to be. I’ve known for so long but never really believed it. The time we spent together would always be a bittersweet memory. It would be something I would treasure, like war ribbons of an old veteran. As he takes those ribbons out from his dusted cabinet, I would too with those memories, but with the shame of nostalgia for lost glory as the old man does, I would put those memories at the back of mind, as he hides his ribbons in that dusty cabinet of his.

I regret tons of stuff in my life, but I’ll regret nothing more than fact that we cannot make anymore memories together. 

It’s time to move on from you, from her, from them. Dwelling in the past would do me no good, so I must walk forward with the promise that everything would be better in time. You may have left the path that I am walking on, but I’m sure there would be others who would walk into mine and make the walk worthwhile.

It’s just a shame what happened to all of us.

• This is going to be a very eventful month. I just know it.
• In a few days, I’ll be moving out and into my dorm. Hopefully, living semi-independently would do me better. Having no one to shout at me whenever I get home would be nice.
• In a few days after that, I’ll be a college junior. Yay. I haven’t been debarred yet. Wag naman po. Here’s to another school year, FIGHTING!
• In a week or so, I’ll be eighteen. I’m not as psyched as I thought I would be. There’s really not that much to being eighteen other than being able to vote (Which I do not want to do), get arrested (Getting arrested once is enough), and get a driver’s license (I don’t have a car).
• Thank you, Lord, for not letting my clumsiness kill me and letting me reach 18. You are ever the best. ;)
• In a few days after that, I’ll have my debut. It’s been so stressful. Preparing it had been a royal pain in the tush. I kinda don’t wan’t to have it anymore. Baka kasi walang pumunta.
• A week after that, My best friend, my mother, and another close friend of mine would all be celebrating their birthdays. So many parties for this June!
• Hopefully, school work won’t be up to my neck by then.
• Can someone please give me a nice pair of earphones or Why we broke up book? I would really love that! Haha.
• Oh well, Adele. Here’s to a new month!

This morning, I started receiving group messages from an unknown number. I couldn’t ask who it was because it was from another network and I only had twenty cents left in my balance because I live a sad, sad life.

Throughout the day, I kept receiving said messages. EVERY. FIVE. MINUTES.

The GMs all had jokes and quotes that are so grammatically incorrect and fuck logic that I felt sorry for my phone who had to suffer receiving those messages. Another thing I couldn’t get is how he kept mentioning other people. Dude, you need to stop. Please. It’s for your own good.

Using my Sherlock Holmes skills. I figure it’s someone from my parish Youth Franciscan group. I have nothing against them, even if they are jejemons, but he needs to stop sending me messages. I just hope stupidity cannot be transmitted through phones. Fingers crossed.

I’ve heard numerous times how people always saw me as someone brave, as someone who experienced tons of shit and was still able to stand up from all of them. I guess this is a result of the front I’ve had all this time. I just wish people didn’t see me as someone brave, maybe then they’ll extend a helping hand. 

To be perfectly honest, I’m scared. I’m scared of so many things right now that I don’t even know how I’ll face them. I keep acting like I’ll be fine, that I can handle it all on my own, when in truth, I am about a few seconds from a meltdown. I’ve talked about doing things when I have done nothing, absolutely nothing.

I am a coward. I’m someone unable to do anything for herself. I am unable to do anything on my own. I am unable to do anything new. I always had to be on the safe side. No risks of getting hurt or getting better.

I’m scared of the life ahead of me. I’m scared of the new semester creeping just around the corner. The past events are over, but they sure did leave their mark. How sad is it that the people I once called my friends now regard me with cold replies implying that I shouldn’t even talk to them in the first place? I’m not asking them to be my friends again. God knows that. I’m not doing this for pity either. I just need the peace of mind.

I know I’ll be facing this semester alone and I’m scared of screwing up. There it is again, scared.

Whatever it is I’m experiencing now is helping me grow. I will not abandon people as they have abandoned me. I don’t want to be like that. I want to at least die with that in mind. I am brave enough to not abandon someone.

My parents had been up my ass the past few days because of things that don’t really matter. I don’t see the point of lecturing me about batteries that fell of their alarm clock on its own.

Oh, I’m sorry. I was never in your room yet the batteries fell off. My psychic powers must be acting up again!

School hasn’t even started and I’m stressed already. I rather just enjoy the last few days of my vacation before the whole school shindig starts. Can’t a girl just have her vacation wasting her life watching numerous illegally downloaded movies and shows alone? Is that too much to ask?

Oh, and another thing, we have this swimming party tomorrow. They wouldn’t let me because I might drown. Okay, okay. Thank you for the concern, but I’ve been taking swimming classes for five years now and I am proud to say I am at least capable of not drowning. We were even taught how to stay afloat even when we experience cramps! I would be a disgrace if in my eulogy, they would place death caused by drowning. They might as well just place death by stupidity, that wouldn’t hurt as much.

All this crankiness might be the cause of so many things. Irritation. Heat. Shark week. Monkeys. Those tiny little white things that always get stuck in your clothes. Any of those. Gah, just kill me now.

You see, I have this friend who always, ALWAYS, comes to me whenever she has projects and/or assignments. I’ve known her since high school and truth be told, she really isn’t that bright. I’m not being mean or anything, just being honest here.

At first, I let it slide. She needed my help and well, who am I to tell her no when she’s been doing me favors since forever? She always gives me load. I am shameful.

Then it happened again. And again. And again. And again. Wait, dude, am I doing all your work?

I really don’t like the way she relies on others (I found out she was asking for help from other people too) to do her work when in fact, she could do it herself. They were simple projects that when you put your mind to it, no matter how stupid you claim to be, you’ll get it. Saying you’re stupid doesn’t excuse you from your lack of drive to do something on your own.

I love making my work, though I tend to be lazy at times, but after I get the final product, I feel this sense of pride that I was able to do something. Isn’t it sad that you’d hand in a paper with your name in it but it was made by someone else? Where’s your pride there? You couldn’t even do a simple writing assignment without needing someone to do it for you. It’s kind of pathetic.

But since she always do me favors, I can’t turn her down without looking like a grade-A douceface. What am I supposed to do, oh-oh?

I think my mother is having a midlife crisis. I’ve been noticing it for a while now, how she always wants the attention solely on her and how no one should upstage her. Feeling ko talaga midlife crisis to or talagang papansin lang nanay ko.

Okay lang naman sakin nung una eh. Mahilig sa attention nanay ko, who doesn’t? Recently, its becoming out of hand. Her so-called midlife crisis is affecting the way people see her now and it’s affecting my relationship with her.

She wears these outfits that I don’t think a woman in her 40’s should wear. She’s receiving the usual reaction of people to someone who cries for attention. I worry for her. I worry that she won’t have friends anymore, like me.

Worst of all is that its affecting my debut. She focused solely on making her gown better that she completely ruined my cocktail dress. No, no, I am not posting a picture. It’s hideous. Now, I don’t even want to have my debut. Le cry.